Almost

Dear almost,
It’s been a long time since we’ve faced each other, the only thing we now exchange, are the sighs of exasperation and messages,via, other people. Let’s face it,we did fall in love, and it wasn’t a fairytale, but I thought that’s how it was meant to be. Fighting for what we wanted.
You tracing your finger down my back,and broke into a tickle,as i giggled hysterically and rolled over onto one side, squealing for you to stop. The long walks, the endless bantering, looking for places people seldom went to,to mark our territory on something as tender as what we had. It felt so beautiful.
They always spoke of us,but we never spoke about ourselves anymore. It was almost perfect, because we had everything we needed to stay in love, except you. You withered like a fallen autumn leaf with time, and I did, watching you do that.
Lets face it-it almost felt unreal, the time we spent together.Behaving all grown up and grinning like Cheshire cats when one, made the other happy and lighting up like the Northern lights, or probably even prettier. The description of it would be an understatement.
Offlate, we almost felt unwanted and found the need to invade each other’s grey matter with words, that didn’t mean anything, but yet meant enough to shock therapify the other’s brain. We almost killed it all.
From you driving me back home, to bringing me flowers to making my oesophagus expand with the amount of food you’d shove into my mouth,I almost felt more beautiful than the hangmedown posters of Ruby Rose that were etched onto the corridors of your head. Listening to the sound of your heartbeat that metaphored to the crashing waves from the beach, we’ve been to.Almost felt like I didn’t need anything better and I couldn’t want anything better than what you gave me.
We’ve come a long way, and I wouldn’t trade that for anything else.They speak high of imperfections and in ‘us’, we had a lot to. And that made it so close to being perfect, so close until you decided to silently take off, in another dimension I haven’t ever seen,(forget seen), even heard of.
Almost feels like you abandoned me.In a train of thoughts I choose to seek escape from, because of the number of times I ache at the very mention of a syllable from your name.
We’ve loved,and chosen to be better people but here’s the thing. Time couldn’t resolve us as much as you want it to, because I fall for you harder every time I see you,as a memory, on the walls of my phone gallery. It almost tears me down.
They told me that you’d come back for me, you’re doing okay,you were growing reckless, but I’m still hanging, on the edge of something I fail to describe,and it means slashing off the demons inside that make me wage wars with myself,a fair share of anxiety attacks that worsen with every day and pain, it almost feels like we ended, even though we didn’t.
We never really spoke about it after you walked away but I long for the very sight and sound of you,the overwhelming feeling when a child steps into school the first day of kindergarten, the feeling when a parent hears her child speak for the first time, the feeling when you lost the love you almost felt perfect about, and found it, that – is what I feel like, every single minute, of the twenty four hours we have, in a day.
It almost feels empty,because I’ve figured myself out.
And I feel, like an invisible protagonist in a story, we both chose to write, something that was chosen to be rewritten, with more power, more warmth and more lit up days.
I’m waiting.
For you to show up and pull me into one of the warmest bear hugs, I’ve grown accustomed to receiving,for your call, as my fingers squirm and prod the screen of my phone, glancing at the time.
I’m waiting for you, to walk back in and tell me that you want me more than you did, because it almost feels unfair, having been shut out of the change/the growth I want to be a part of.
I don’t sit and complain anymore,or let myself wander into unnecessities, I shouldn’t be worrying about. I don’t know how much to love you, or would too much not be enough? Or how would I know when it was enough?
Its another long morning,but I sit down with the thought of you in my mind, our memories and catfights on the playlist,on loop, waiting.
I’m almost close to drawing curtains on this little piece that I wrote out. You taught me the names of the greatest singers, and sung me songs in their voice, burst out into waves of laughter, until I cringed so bad. The notification bar of my phone seems so uninteresting now.
I’m tired. Almost. So meet me halfway.
Because I want this back, a little more than just almost.

Yours truly,

barely wordless

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